Army Navy Superlatives
I know, I know. Nobody wants to dwell on this loss anymore. There’s not a whole lot of positives to glean from Navy’s dominant performance in Philly. But, I’ve been writing this series — for better and for worse — this entire season. In true Army-Navy fashion, I intend to press on in the face of disappointment and adversity.
As always, check out Danno’s Recap for far better writing and analysis. Along with Rob and Jordan, he attended the game. So his article captures the raw emotions of the experience through firsthand testimony and photography.
Editor’s Note: There is no analysis in this week’s recap, just a lot of sad commiserating.
I’ll be brief, and then we can shelve this disappointing season. Hopefully, your other football teams are in a position to redeem 2019. I, unfortunately, just watched the Bears lose in Lambeau, so it was not a particularly good weekend for me in terms of rivalries.
On with the Superlatives!
Army Offense – 2-Mile Do-Over
I must say, that first scoring drive was one of the high points of this season. It filled Army fans everywhere with wide-eyed hopes of singing second and holding onto the Commander-in-Chief’s (CIC) trophy. However, it proved to be the eager cadet sprinting early on the APFT 2-mile test. That high point led to an even lower point as we watched the Squids run away with the game while the familiar smell of sewage treatment plant clung to us across the finish line.
— CBS Sports (@CBSSports) December 14, 2019
It’s definitely a shock to the system for Army football. But culture shocks can do wonders! Just ask Navy about their record last year.
Anyway, Army Navy 2020 is coming up. Want to repay the Squids for the lopsided score? Start preparing today!
Class of 2020 – Army Football Hall of Fame
You all stand with the Class of 2019 as the cadets who ushered in the modern golden era of Army Football. Granted, it’s hard to use that term in light of this season’s results. But your records speak for themselves. Over the past four years, Army has gone 34-18, beat Air Force twice, beat Navy three times, won the CIC back-to-back, and secured three bowl victories.
We’re not in the best moods right now, but every Army fan will admit that your class will always hold a special place in our hearts. For that, we honor you in the Army Football Hall of Fame, which has no shortage of notable names.
Thank you and best of luck in your Army careers!
Malcolm Perry – Early Graduation & CBS Sports Contract
As predicted, it was the “Malcolm Perry Show” all game! This dude accounted for 304 of Navy’s 395 yards rushing. He could not be contained. We absolutely want him to graduate as soon as possible! I’m glad that we played him in the snow and that Coach Ken didn’t start him last year.
Army head coach Jeff Monken: “I couldn’t be happier to see Malcolm Perry graduate.” pic.twitter.com/LbEodKBPTO
— Justin Fedich (@jfedichTHR) December 15, 2019
So. We’ve talked with the Naval Academy and they’ve waived the rest of his graduation requirements — it’s not like they’re that stringent to begin with! Now, Army fans can quickly shake our Army-Navy PTSD and start looking towards a brighter future. Perry can now join his Squid buddy, Keenan Reynolds, on the most second-rate sports network on television!
Let the “Malcolm Perry Show” continue… just not against Army.
Coach Monken – Unanimous Vote of Confidence
We have quickly polled the entire Army fanbase. It was grueling work, but we found that Army fans unanimously still believe you are the man for the job! Yes, this was a forgettable season. But Army fans realize that your 40-36 record stands as the only winning coaching record for Army since Jim Young in 1990. Plus, you’ve beaten Navy three times, won the CIC twice, and are responsible for half of Army’s all-time Bowl victories!
No one is calling for your replacement. We believe you are the right coach to get Army to bounce back from this slump of a season. Period.
Army Equipment – Cadet Uniform Redesign
You guys absolutely killed it this year! Those uniforms are sexy! It’s a shame they will forever be associated with the outcome. Nevertheless, we have tasked you guys to collaborate with the Cadet Uniform Factory to redesign the Cadet Uniforms. We need to honor the legacy of USMA in a sleeker, less itchy way. Maybe you could incorporate some flexible, moisture-wicking materials that fight odor buildup.
Either way, we know you guys are the right team for the job. Plus, it’ll time up perfectly with the Michie Stadium face-lift!
Squids, Middies, Navy Old Grads, etc. – Goats of the Week
I’ve been building to this all year. It doesn’t change depending on the outcome of Saturday’s game. Once a goat, always a goat. Being for Army beats being associated with USNA every day of the year.
Just to head this off: in this context, goat does not mean “Greatest of all time.” It very ardently means “Boat Dumpster.”
— Army Barstool (@ArmyBarstool) December 14, 2019
Also, their march-on was a disaster.
Closed for the Offseason.
Also, comment below if anyone would like to see 2019 Season Superlatives!
Go Army! Always!