Watching a reincarnation of the pre-Monken Army team lose on the road was painful. Trying to watch it on my phone at a bar in Tallahassee while Florida State fans cheered for LSU to beat Florida after FSU got smashed by Clemson was even more painful. Trying to give out superlatives after that embarrassing performance will be the most painful so I will keep this short and sweet.
Zach Potter: Plan artillery on MS300 capstone OPORD
We all hoped that we would never be praising the punter for the most standout performance of the game, but here we are. Zach, your punt that pinned WKU inside their 2-yard line was a thing of beauty. It was Army’s play-of-the-game.
You’ve demonstrated that you have the ability to place projectiles with precision and accuracy and for that you will be in charge of fires for your MS300 capstone OPORD. Rest assured, this is the easiest part as all you have to do is build a fire map and fire chart while your group slaves away on the terrain model. We hope you like the sound of artillery because we sense a force branch to FA in your future.
Army Coaches: Health and Welfare check
Because what in the actual Hell is going on?!
This Army team took Michigan to double overtime and now can’t seem to string together a drive of more than a few plays. We appreciate that you didn’t let us get shut out, but that won’t save you from a knock on your door at 5am. Expect your TAC officer and the MPs to tear your room apart looking for any kind of contraband, including overly complex passing plays. When you stand in the hallway looking in, hopefully the feelings of dread and regret remind you to run the damn ball next time.
Stadium Camera Crew: Task Force M4 AI
We get it, the game was broadcast on Stadium which no one had even heard of before this week. We shouldn’t expect too much… But you still managed to let us down.
Wrong camera angles presided over this game, and we often wondered if you even knew how to operate the steering mechanism. As a result of your failure to aim properly at a target, we are assigning you a member of the cadet summer training task force to help you with your form. These highly motivated specialists are more than happy to spend their summers training cadets, so they will love an opportunity to train you as well!
Ignore the unwashed ACUs and dip spit as this all ads to the charm.
We applaud the recycling of paper bags for other uses. pic.twitter.com/eq7pBeUwxS
— Stadium (@Stadium) October 13, 2019
WKU Mascot: Visit to the Cadet Uniform Factory
Army may not have looked great during the game, but we didn’t look as bad as the Hilltoppers‘ mascot. I’m not sure where WKU found that red blob, but it will haunt the dreams of Army children far and wide.
As a result, you are being ordered to report to the cadet uniform factory at 0830 Monday morning. There, government workers will ensure that they equip you with the finest in mascot apparel. Be warned that it will be made of wool and take at least 6 months before you have it delivered. Don’t worry though, the treasurer will charge your cadet account Monday afternoon.